Loss

I have officially been unemployed for two months as of today.  This is the longest period of time I haven't worked since I was old enough to hold a job (with the exception of being in school, that is.)  The first week or so after my job ended, it was great.  Who wouldn't be celebrating new found freedom that comes with having each day to yourself?  However, that excitement quickly dissipated as I realized that spending hours upon end with nobody to converse with (except the cats....and believe me, they really don't have much to say) takes its toll.

If you knew me and my struggles with my previous job, you'd think I'd continue the celebrations each and everyday.  And I do, to an extent.  I was absolutely miserable in that prison.  I was a first year teacher in a setting completely foreign to me.  From day one I was set up for failure, and that unfortunately continued throughout the duration of the school year.  I received such little support that it's no wonder I struggled to the extent that I did.  I'm not going to say I was perfect and that I "did" everything by the book, because I didn't.  However, I tried.  I really and truly attempted everything within my power to be successful and assure that my students learned from me.  And they did.  Unfortunately, in this day and age of mindless, pointless high stakes testing, they weren't able to show it where it mattered.  (In my book, they did.  I'm not going to delve into the ridiculousness that is standardized testing and why basing well over 50% of a teacher's evaluation on an 8-year-old's ability to focus on some lame-o test at 2:00pm when they haven't even been allotted recess in four months is all kinds of ludicrous, but suffice it to say, that's what happened.)  According to those in power, I failed miserably, and here I am...sitting on my front porch bitching about it. 

The reason I titled this post "Loss" is because that's what I'm going through.  For the most part, I've been able to bounce back from the blows I've encountered in life in a fairly reasonable time frame (with the exception of my mother's passing, which is to be expected).  I have been what most would consider"depressed" for some time now, and I never could quite put my finger on why.  And then it hit me:  as much as I loathed that hell hole with every fiber of my being, I'm mourning the loss of something that was a big part of my life. As truly miserable as I was, it's no longer part of my daily routine and I've found myself really struggling.

Many have said to me "enjoy the time while you have it" and things of the sort.  At times, it's nice, I'll admit.  However, I don't receive any sense of fulfillment from the daily grind of doing laundry and grocery shopping. I've realized that I need a purpose in life solely for a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  I feel bad for feeling bad about my situation, but I suppose you can't help how you feel about things in life.  If we could, I'm sure the world would be a different place.

I'm getting married in 54 days and should be a lot more excited than I am about that.  Don't get me wrong, I'm really looking forward to everything, but I don't have that "butterflies in my stomach" feeling that you would think one would have this close to the big day.  I really need to get myself out of this slump...perhaps someday soon I'll figure out how.  I don't want to waste anymore time feeling like crap...and especially not enjoying the little bit of time I have leading up to the wedding.

Speaking of wasting time, I've done enough of that complaining throughout the entire duration of this post. 

Off I go to clean something.